Groupies, they’re as old as time itself. They date back all the way to the first man who stood on a stump and grunted out the first song to the first throng of adoring – if exceedingly hairy – fans.
They’re even in the Bible – Jesus himself had at least 12.
But what do you usually think of when you think groupies? Is it nubile teenage hotties who listen to too much commercial radio and can’t wait to have their innocence scrambled? Is it obsessed toothless fatties who will do anything for an autograph?
Well the answer is groupies come in all shapes and sizes. Rock stars, singers, TV hosts, actors and Andre Rieu – they all have their own type of admirer.
But who are all these fame-obsessed nutters and how can you pick them from a crowd?
Well here at LIVENEWS.com.au we’ve decided to bring you the definitive guide to the world’s groupies.
James Blunt
Judging by his music James Blunt appeals to women who lack a gag reflex – a physical skill which no doubt makes Blunt’s contemporaries extremely jealous. Blunt, who in some quarters is simply known as ‘the rhyming slang guy’, appeals to the kind of wistful weepy girls who wear lace, read Pride and Prejudice, keep diaries and who listen to girly radio stations like MIX FM.
Andre Rieu
Rieu is not so much admired for his violin playing as the smug faces he pulls when he does it. Rieu is the only celebrity to still be sporting limp shoulder-length locks. Years after even Michael Bolton shaved his noggin, Rieu has persisted with his own odious mop. Rieu’s fans tend to be old, infirm and deaf judging by the sheer awfulness of his appalling pop classical pap.
Bob Ellis
Unsurprisingly Ellis’ fans tend to be dishevelled, sloppy and verbose – just like the man himself. Personal grooming is not a big worry for the Ellis groupie – leg and armpit shaving, make up wearing, and snappy dressing and are all big no-no’s. Wearing earnest political badges, knowing trivia about Labor Prime Ministers and being able to down a jug of Tooheys New is one go are all plusses.
Jeannie Little
Little has a very specific kind of fan – one that has the memory of an elephant. That’s because they’re the only ones that can actually remember what it is she is famous for in the first place. Anyone man with a high-pitched voice who can wax lyrical about the pressures of living a vacuous Eastern Suburbs lifestyle between screeching “darling” a few dozen times is a shoe in. A high tolerance for sheer unadulterated ghastliness is also a plus.
Don Burke
Interestingly Don has a large following amongst women with beards. There’s one thing you can say about bearded women – there mightn’t be a lot of them but my God are they hot. And grateful.
Richard Wilkins
Richard has always had the funny sort of weary grizzled look of the veteran pants man. When I think of him I always for some reason picture beefy sweaty hands fishing around for the bra strap of some overly blonded double bay socialite seduced by his vast quantities of scintillating celebrity gossip. Wilkins’ groupies love the used car salesman, Warwick Capper blonde-tipped look that most men abandoned in the late 80’s.
John Laws
Laws has been knee deep in pinkness since the release of his 1976 album You’ve Never Been Trucked Like This Before. The standard Laws groupie, as well as having a low IQ and being easily led, has a borderline interest in necrophilia. An interest in hair implants, cars, kickbacks, and fascism is also a must.
Metro Station
Like their music Metro Station’s fans tend to be simple, derivative and repetitive. Like the heavily inked lead singer of the band, many will probably regret their early 20’s investments in coolness in coming decades.
Kerry Anne Kennerly
Despite having initials that make her sound like some kind of splinter faction of the KKK, Kerry Anne surprisingly has a huge following. There’s basically not a man alive who doesn’t like her. Young, old, big, small for some reason men can’t get enough of her inoffensive greyness.
So there you have it your definitive guide to the groupies of today. Please use wisely.
